One way train

I feel like I am on a one way train to selfdestructionville. I wish I could just get a grip and get over all the shit that comes with going home for the summer. I have not self destructed but I feel like nothing is in neat piles and nothing is organized and in place. My independence gets stripped from me and I find myself having to do all this shit for other people which really wouldn't bug me if at the same time they didn't spend so much time bashing my beliefs, and personality and looks and abilities, till I am left trying to pick up the pieces of an already limited self esteem.

I spend nine months of the year, taking steps forward. Enjoying, needing, craving hugs, feeling good about myself looks and abilities, feeling confident in my values and beliefs. Owning myself and my actions. And in the three months I am home in the summer I take just as many steps backwards. Example: I have been home exactly 13 days. I saw my "baby" cousin (he's taller than me now). He gave me a hug and all I wanted to do was vomit and I trust this kid more than alot of me. I keep sending "online hugs" to J because the thought of having him touch me scares the shit out of me and this is an attempt to not slip farther. This being the guy I love, isn't there a problem with that? and it's definitely not on his end.

In order to cope, I develop obsessions. This summer's obsession? Well they all involve lists.  I make lists, I have more little notebooks full of lists and I make them over and over. I make a list of exactly what I am doing each day to the minute and hope nothing changes because then I feel like I failed.  I make lists upon lists of grad schools, I continusuly look up each school and write down everything important, how to get in, does it have housing, financial aid.

SIDEBAR**** This has me completely freaked out, I feel like after I graduate I have three options, stick around here like my mother wants so I can take care of her, go move half way across the country and never look back. The third involves J. Go to one of the two schools kinda near him that has what I want, but they are so close to my family. I think this is why prior to several months ago, I had to make sure he was committed. He's the only thing keeping me over here and I feel stupid making decisions based on someone who you see twice a year but I care alot for him, more than anyone really, and I am afriad that this coming year is really the last year I will see him. He would tell me to relax and let things work themselves out, But I can't do that, its not me. Look at my lists I plan everything. I am going to try and just wait to see when/if the acceptance letters come. To relax and enjoy the moments now. Try****

I write down every little thing I eat and exactly what I do at the gym. I have budgeted over and over again money for things I need for weddings and school and grad applications

The gym helps some. It helps with all this anger I have inside of me. I wish I could talk to my friends. Don't get me wrong, they would listen but they all have their own shit to do and deal with. How can you bitch to a woman whose father, significant other and best friend other than you are all terminally ill? I mean really. Like usual when home I sleep rarely. I take showers obsessively, I just can't feel clean. I worked from 11pm to 7am this morning, took a shower, Went and volunteered at a hospital, came home showered, went to the gym, came home showered, went and got groceries for my mother, I am typing this instead of showering again though I want to.  I haven't slept in over  2 days but I am not tired. Nothing feels in control.

Which is so weird, at the same time I want control, I have this desire (that i would never ever ever ever act on because I am very happy,)to find someone to top me who is closer because I don't want the control. Or maybe its like J's rules are too broad? I love J, i just am not sure I actually view him as a top, more my best friend and maybe boyfriend (no idea really on that one, after I went AWOL on him.)I don't know why I want to look per se. And it doesn't really matter because I won't.

I write alot in assorted places. I don't know why here is where I went to write this spinning out of control thing. Maybe because a couple of my friends look, maybe because J does, maybe because someone looks at it as opposed to my hand written journals? Its like I am telling someone so it can't eat away at me? Idk.

I made a list (lists!) of what people who think they know me know about me and what people who really know me know. There are over 30 points but here are two to understand what I meant.

 *** I am bisexual. I believe you can be born gay............ I would say I lean more towards the lesbian side as opposed to the straight side. Although I do believe you can be born gay, I also believe you can be made. I was. I am not sure I actually find women attractive. Oral sex doesn't do it for me at all.  I simply find women less threatening. Men scare the crap out of me. There are two males at this time I trust, one being J the other is my 14 year old cousin. And yet they both still scare me. I know J isn't an ax murder (read previous entries) but every time he puts his hands on me I stop breathing. I don't think he would hurt me (unless it was a spanking), but my track record isn't very good. I trust him, but I think as a result of my own head even when he is gently touching in a sexual way it still so painful. I couldn't imagine my cousin hurting me either and yet we have a one hug/touch a visit rule.

*** I am into spanking and BDSM and am an advocate for it as long as there is consent.....I would be A sexual if it wasn't for BDSM. I can't get off with out the pain, or the control even on my own. And this scares me. I have no problem with bdsm and pain pleasure but being able to be "normal" would be nice.  And although I will never berate anyone who is into it, I wonder and second guess how healthy it is for someone who from a young age learnt that affection and attention came with a price (generally pain)

I wish I could say I didn't know why this summer is worse. But I do know. And I am disappointed and ashamed. I broke a promise to myself. Disappointing others is hard, but yourself is different. Add in being hated or seen as something to be used, it gets alot and you find your self on a train to selfdesructiveville. I am going to do my best to jump of the train and hope nothing breaks along the way. 12 weeks!

Always <3

Happy 1 Year

So my darlin' top informed me that as of last Tuesday I have gone a complete year without getting a punishment spanking! I find that to be an accomplishment. Then he made a comment about needing to dust off the Lexan. Oh him and his twitchy palms (for those who have read 50 shades of grey now that it is famous and not a blog :) ).  I have gotten spanked I just wasn't in trouble.

To be honest I want a spanking SOOOOO bad. Not a punishment spanking. Either a good girl spanking or the kind I got last time we were together. A I need a good cry spanking. The first (i don't think) I have to ask for in person. The second I know I do. He thinks I am cute when I do :- /... tops... .

I am currently looking for a corset in replacement of a strapless bra for several events that involve strapless or funky strapped dresses. And due to some extreme sexual frustration and simply thinking its hot if I do end up purchasing one of the pretty corsets (depends what works with the dresses) I am now fantasizing hard core about the two of us getting a bit dressed up, in my head on my side I would wear this wicked sexy purple dress I bought today for a wedding and can't wait to show him, with the corset, garters and proper panties (of course). Then we would go out to dinner or like a show (in my fantasy specifically to this little theater in my town) and as we are getting ready to go he whispers something to the effect of < with twinkle in his eye because I haven't actually done anything bad > that I have been a naughty girl and that he thinks we need to go home and take care of it. He then asks "how do we take care of naughtiness young lady" which of course, as we are out, takes me too long to answer so I get "the look" and eventually squeak out "spankings". And then spanking and hotness occurs that y'alls can use your imagination for. Granted this is a totally me thing and not really a him thing and its OK staying a fantasy but I thought I'd share for those who read (more specifically for my real life friends who totally understand sexual frustration living in dorms :) haha.

On a slightly different note having to wait until at least September for a spanking is going to suck. I am going grad school touring this summer at some point and my top choice because it has the right concentration is in his state and I will be staying in the state maybe we can see each other, but who knows with schedules and such. Either way it's been too long. Plus even good girl spankings hurt a little bit and serve as a "reminder"

Peace out all!

<3

The strange things I think about. At my job we have been talking about plastic surgery and body image as a whole. The other day I professed the desire to have plastic surgery on my butt. Why you ask? I have a very flat butt and my jeans are always baggy in the butt. They don't stay up especially when you are being tickled and squirming around. If I had more of a butt a belt would be successful. I just reread that sentence that a belt would be more successful. I meant that it would be more successful at holding my pants up, i would imagine at least someone would take it otherwise.

Two months ago I asked J for space, after my amends email I took it back. I don't want space at all. I want my best friend back and closeness. I want to take advantage of those moments when we can be close and try and be content with those moments when online is the best we can have. I will take anything at this point in time to be honest. I am waiting for him to reexcept my yahoo friend request again though before IMming. I deleted it about a week ago as a last ditch attempt. It was silly and I have since learnt i wasnt meant to forget him. So I am going to stop trying. I think we are on the same page anyway.

On a different note. I don't know why but I have a strange obsession with birches, switches  and carpet beaters. if I read a story or watch a video it is totally what I perfer. J told me that carpet beaters are wussy. A video taught me Cane-iacs make one out of the stuff my wicked thingy is made out of I would assume that is not wussy.  The problem with switches is I know they hurt like fuck. I want like the getting/cutting the switch and only like half the pain. But can one play with a switch? they are kind of unforgiving.

School is almost out. Just two more weeks. No 4.0 this semester. Two of my classes whupped my ass. I do have a 120 in another class haha. If only college had A+. I have been pretty good with keeping up with work. All my final papers are done. just the tests left and 12 hundred things to do not academic.

I am bored. Hence the post. And wide awake.

Ammends

I make mistakes. I screw things up. I do stupid things. I make decisions I wish I could take back. I get scared. I freak out, stress out. I worry. I have little patience. I am not always confident, Nothing I ever do is good enough. And I beat myself up for all of it.

And then there are days like today, when I am force to remember and acknowledge that I do good things. And honestly it couldn't have come at a better time. Three years ago today, my best friend and the person who was really my mother, died. Today I realized that I would have made my grandmother proud.

I woke up this morning with an invitation to a dinner next week where I am being honored with a scholarship and award. My adviser explained it goes to a student who has shown consistent  academic achievement within the major as well as being a student leader and helping the school community at large. I felt very honored and humbled but still  thought "do I really deserve this".

I have self esteem problems. I recently have been struggling with the concept that I am unworthy of love on any level family, friend, partner whatever. But I don't think that's true. i think that is alot of BS that has been fed to me for years. I good friend of mine  use to tell me this all the time. Enough soul searching has taught me that its true. I am capable of love, and I am capable of being loved.

For the first time in possibly my entire life I feeling like I am where I need to be. I have along way to go. i have alot to deal with. But I am a good person. I am going to be ok.

My facebook is full of statuses of people who miss my gram today. I don't understand them. I miss her dearly every day so why should I post it on the anniversary of her death. I don't wish to celebrate her death but instead her life.

I reread a letter my grandmother wrote me before she died, that I was given by my aunt who found it among her things. I read it once the day it was given and have simply kept it inside of a book, not really ready for it. Until today. I don't know why today was so different. So many good things happened on a day that everyone else claimed to be having a hard time, you know missing her. I felt compelled to open it, to read. I now feel compelled to share. My gram had no formal education, but today I realized she was wiser than I ever realized.


My dearest ____,

If you are reading this than I am no longer with you in person, but remember that I will always be with you inside your heart. I know, I know. Your gram is cheesy. You are a tough loving young woman. You have lived and survived in an environment where most would have perished. Not only did you survive, you grew and thrived into a remarkable young woman. I know you will do great things in this world. I am so proud of you.

 I don't think anyone will ever truly know the horrors you went through. I don't think even I really understand. I wish I would have protected you more. I should have taken you away. And for that I am sorry.

I know that you will continue to not only survive but to thrive. You will continue to make me proud and you will do great things for this world. And in that aspect I have no fear for your future. But darling girl you are so guarded. You have built walls that even I have not been able to breakthrough.I do not blame you, not with everything but I do fear you will never let yourself ever be truly loved.  Don't get mad. You have told me yourself you do not deserve love. You have been telling me this since you were eight years old. You talk about your future, your kids, your career but never the thought that you could ever find someone to love.

Beautiful girl. You will find love. Someday you will find peace within. You will start to understand what love truly is. Not the fluffy stuff, the things you find in a hallmark card, but real honest to goodness love. You are not destined to become your father. You are not like him. You can show love, and whether you know it or not you show me love every day.

But those walls can make you seem so cold, though . You expect so much from people. And you have no patience if they do not meet your expectations. We are all human. No one is perfect. So stop trying to be and stop expecting it of others. Admit when you make mistakes. Apologize when you need to. Do not dwell or beat yourself up. Make amends and move on.

Find peace within. Whatever that means to you. Be at peace with yourself and with all that has happened. Talk with someone. Don't roll your eyes. Talking is good. Crying is good. Hugging is good. Touch is good. Love is good. YOU are good. You may not understand anything I am saying, but someday you will.

I love you baby girl. I am sorry I am leaving you in person, but as I said I will always love you, always be proud of you, and always be with you.


Your biggest fan.
Grammie



Today I realized that Until her death, my gram was the one person I know who loved me no matter what. She loved me for who I was, the good, the bad. Since she died I think I have met one other person who my have did and I believe one other person has learned how to do that.

I don't think I have found peace within. Not yet. But I will. I am beginning to understand what love is. Today I understand it as missing someone no matter how long they have been gone be it years or minutes. And if you were able to see them again you could pick up where you left off. I don't know how much sense that makes to anyone reading, but to me that is what I understand love to be.

The letter may seem cliche and its cheesy. But I think I am beginning to understand.

I make mistakes, I screw things up. And I beat myself up. But today I remembered that I do alot of good things as well. I make alot of changes. I help people. I do my best to be kind and understanding. I am a good person. I am going to make amends with those recently and more distantly that I have wronged in someway. Others may say they are honoring my gram via facebook. Tonight I will honor her by letting go of pride and apologizing to those whom I have not been understanding of.

I am posting this here both as a reminder to myself. To anyone who has read this. in the words of my gram. I hope everyone can find peace with in.

Pina Coladas, the Truth Bringer

A couple of Truths

1. Homemade Pina Coladas are tasty and cheaper than one drink at a bar.
2. They make alot of things seem clearer and things I have been trouble figuring out seem to make sense. Like my guard is done. Like I am finally relaxed.
3. The new meds I am on make me a light weight
4.  I am stepping down from the Eboard. I am very tired. Its not healthy
5. I want to be  medical social worker. I want to make a difference.
6. The girl I have been semi seeing is relly just a rebound way to make myself feel better and fill a sort of whole. I need to talk with her.
7. I miss you. All I could smell this morning in E's room was you. It was so confusing. Why can't I get over you. I was over a boyfriend who killed himself fr sooner than you. I can't get over you. Why can't I get over you.
8.  I need someone who is impartial so I can talk this out. My friends are too opinated.
9. I would kill for a stress releasing spanking.
10.  I need to stop seeing my dad. It is not healthy. I just need to become strong enough to stop and stand on my own.
11. As is noted bt previous posted. I did really stupid things today
12. I am going to go drink more with my friends

Just babbling

Happy Belated Easter/Passover or anything else you may celebrate!

I have never wished I was a top and could just randomly put my friends over my knee as much as i did last weekend. We were at a conference in D.C.  and several of those who we brought I wanted nothing more then to paddle their asses to the point they would not be sitting for weeks. Of course I couldn't. Such immurtity though.

I was having some horrid headaches recently after having given myself a concussion. I opted to call my neurosurgeon in case it was related to the concussion or if it was brain surgery related as well... you know just to be the safe side. Had an MRI on Friday. Went this morning to see him. I have a spot on my brain that he believes is a mild bleed which as long as I m careful and do all that the doctor orders it should go away and heal. This time I am actually going to try to do as the doctor orders. I feel like a dumbass though because it was really stupid how I gave myself a concussion in the first place. I am suppose to be relaxed and not get angry, we will see how this goes.

I know awhile ago I wrote on here about the wonderfulness that was the fanfiction called Master of the Universe and there were many a reference to fifty shades of fucked up. It was technically a fan fic that was twilight meets BDSM. Except for the names though it had nothing to do with twilight. No sparkly vampires and a far better writer. Well she recently released them in books. charge the name. Its called "Fifty Shades of..." Grey, Darker, Freed. as there are three of them.  I recently purchased them for my IPAD and was reading the first one and part of the second one. If you take out the part where the male lead, christian, is a billionaire, there are parallels to my real life with J (past tense). Except in the books after she breaks up with him because they can't be what the other wants or needs they eventually end up married with kids.  Anyway I am really just encouraging people to read them. There isn't really any DD but there is really good BDSM scenes and a "red room of pain....pleasure....pain...". I totally want a red room of pain/pleasure in my house haha.

I bought a book while in DC called I <3 female orgasms. It is very fascinating and my friends and I have learned alot. There was even a chapter devoted to BDSM which I thought was surprising as it was a feminist book and its a heated topic of debate for feminists

DUUUUDDDDEEE!!! I totally want/need a spanking. Don't know about you lovely  ladies (or gentlemen but I generally talk to female bottoms) I am not suppose to be stressed. A stress relief spanking could be  good think :-p

I hope all is well!

To someone special

Why do you look at my blog? I don't understand Why it bothers me I am not sure, maybe cuz I am just not over you. but Why do you still look?