Lexan Motivation

One way train

2012-05-24T14:43:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am on a one way train to selfdestructionville. I wish I could just get a grip and get over all the shit that comes with going home for the summer. I have not self destructed but I feel like nothing is in neat piles and nothing is organized and in place. My independence gets stripped from me and I find myself having to do all this shit for other people which really wouldn't bug me if at the same time they didn't spend so much time bashing my beliefs, and personality and looks and abilities, till I am left trying to pick up the pieces of an already limited self esteem.

I spend nine months of the year, taking steps forward. Enjoying, needing, craving hugs, feeling good about myself looks and abilities, feeling confident in my values and beliefs. Owning myself and my actions. And in the three months I am home in the summer I take just as many steps backwards. Example: I have been home exactly 13 days. I saw my "baby" cousin (he's taller than me now). He gave me a hug and all I wanted to do was vomit and I trust this kid more than alot of me. I keep sending "online hugs" to J because the thought of having him touch me scares the shit out of me and this is an attempt to not slip farther. This being the guy I love, isn't there a problem with that? and it's definitely not on his end.

In order to cope, I develop obsessions. This summer's obsession? Well they all involve lists. I make lists, I have more little notebooks full of lists and I make them over and over. I make a list of exactly what I am doing each day to the minute and hope nothing changes because then I feel like I failed. I make lists upon lists of grad schools, I continusuly look up each school and write down everything important, how to get in, does it have housing, financial aid.

SIDEBAR**** This has me completely freaked out, I feel like after I graduate I have three options, stick around here like my mother wants so I can take care of her, go move half way across the country and never look back. The third involves J. Go to one of the two schools kinda near him that has what I want, but they are so close to my family. I think this is why prior to several months ago, I had to make sure he was committed. He's the only thing keeping me over here and I feel stupid making decisions based on someone who you see twice a year but I care alot for him, more than anyone really, and I am afriad that this coming year is really the last year I will see him. He would tell me to relax and let things work themselves out, But I can't do that, its not me. Look at my lists I plan everything. I am going to try and just wait to see when/if the acceptance letters come. To relax and enjoy the moments now. Try****

I write down every little thing I eat and exactly what I do at the gym. I have budgeted over and over again money for things I need for weddings and school and grad applications

The gym helps some. It helps with all this anger I have inside of me. I wish I could talk to my friends. Don't get me wrong, they would listen but they all have their own shit to do and deal with. How can you bitch to a woman whose father, significant other and best friend other than you are all terminally ill? I mean really. Like usual when home I sleep rarely. I take showers obsessively, I just can't feel clean. I worked from 11pm to 7am this morning, took a shower, Went and volunteered at a hospital, came home showered, went to the gym, came home showered, went and got groceries for my mother, I am typing this instead of showering again though I want to. I haven't slept in over 2 days but I am not tired. Nothing feels in control.

Which is so weird, at the same time I want control, I have this desire (that i would never ever ever ever act on because I am very happy,)to find someone to top me who is closer because I don't want the control. Or maybe its like J's rules are too broad? I love J, i just am not sure I actually view him as a top, more my best friend and maybe boyfriend (no idea really on that one, after I went AWOL on him.)I don't know why I want to look per se. And it doesn't really matter because I won't.

I write alot in assorted places. I don't know why here is where I went to write this spinning out of control thing. Maybe because a couple of my friends look, maybe because J does, maybe because someone looks at it as opposed to my hand written journals? Its like I am telling someone so it can't eat away at me? Idk.

I made a list (lists!) of what people who think they know me know about me and what people who really know me know. There are over 30 points but here are two to understand what I meant.

*** I am bisexual. I believe you can be born gay............ I would say I lean more towards the lesbian side as opposed to the straight side. Although I do believe you can be born gay, I also believe you can be made. I was. I am not sure I actually find women attractive. Oral sex doesn't do it for me at all. I simply find women less threatening. Men scare the crap out of me. There are two males at this time I trust, one being J the other is my 14 year old cousin. And yet they both still scare me. I know J isn't an ax murder (read previous entries) but every time he puts his hands on me I stop breathing. I don't think he would hurt me (unless it was a spanking), but my track record isn't very good. I trust him, but I think as a result of my own head even when he is gently touching in a sexual way it still so painful. I couldn't imagine my cousin hurting me either and yet we have a one hug/touch a visit rule.

*** I am into spanking and BDSM and am an advocate for it as long as there is consent.....I would be A sexual if it wasn't for BDSM. I can't get off with out the pain, or the control even on my own. And this scares me. I have no problem with bdsm and pain pleasure but being able to be "normal" would be nice. And although I will never berate anyone who is into it, I wonder and second guess how healthy it is for someone who from a young age learnt that affection and attention came with a price (generally pain)

I wish I could say I didn't know why this summer is worse. But I do know. And I am disappointed and ashamed. I broke a promise to myself. Disappointing others is hard, but yourself is different. Add in being hated or seen as something to be used, it gets alot and you find your self on a train to selfdesructiveville. I am going to do my best to jump of the train and hope nothing breaks along the way. 12 weeks!

Always <3

Happy 1 Year

2012-05-20T16:53:00.001-07:00

So my darlin' top informed me that as of last Tuesday I have gone a complete year without getting a punishment spanking! I find that to be an accomplishment. Then he made a comment about needing to dust off the Lexan. Oh him and his twitchy palms (for those who have read 50 shades of grey now that it is famous and not a blog :) ). I have gotten spanked I just wasn't in trouble.

To be honest I want a spanking SOOOOO bad. Not a punishment spanking. Either a good girl spanking or the kind I got last time we were together. A I need a good cry spanking. The first (i don't think) I have to ask for in person. The second I know I do. He thinks I am cute when I do :- /... tops... .

I am currently looking for a corset in replacement of a strapless bra for several events that involve strapless or funky strapped dresses. And due to some extreme sexual frustration and simply thinking its hot if I do end up purchasing one of the pretty corsets (depends what works with the dresses) I am now fantasizing hard core about the two of us getting a bit dressed up, in my head on my side I would wear this wicked sexy purple dress I bought today for a wedding and can't wait to show him, with the corset, garters and proper panties (of course). Then we would go out to dinner or like a show (in my fantasy specifically to this little theater in my town) and as we are getting ready to go he whispers something to the effect of < with twinkle in his eye because I haven't actually done anything bad > that I have been a naughty girl and that he thinks we need to go home and take care of it. He then asks "how do we take care of naughtiness young lady" which of course, as we are out, takes me too long to answer so I get "the look" and eventually squeak out "spankings". And then spanking and hotness occurs that y'alls can use your imagination for. Granted this is a totally me thing and not really a him thing and its OK staying a fantasy but I thought I'd share for those who read (more specifically for my real life friends who totally understand sexual frustration living in dorms :) haha.

On a slightly different note having to wait until at least September for a spanking is going to suck. I am going grad school touring this summer at some point and my top choice because it has the right concentration is in his state and I will be staying in the state maybe we can see each other, but who knows with schedules and such. Either way it's been too long. Plus even good girl spankings hurt a little bit and serve as a "reminder"

Peace out all!

<3

2012-04-29T20:08:00.002-07:00

The strange things I think about. At my job we have been talking about plastic surgery and body image as a whole. The other day I professed the desire to have plastic surgery on my butt. Why you ask? I have a very flat butt and my jeans are always baggy in the butt. They don't stay up especially when you are being tickled and squirming around. If I had more of a butt a belt would be successful. I just reread that sentence that a belt would be more successful. I meant that it would be more successful at holding my pants up, i would imagine at least someone would take it otherwise.

Two months ago I asked J for space, after my amends email I took it back. I don't want space at all. I want my best friend back and closeness. I want to take advantage of those moments when we can be close and try and be content with those moments when online is the best we can have. I will take anything at this point in time to be honest. I am waiting for him to reexcept my yahoo friend request again though before IMming. I deleted it about a week ago as a last ditch attempt. It was silly and I have since learnt i wasnt meant to forget him. So I am going to stop trying. I think we are on the same page anyway.

On a different note. I don't know why but I have a strange obsession with birches, switches and carpet beaters. if I read a story or watch a video it is totally what I perfer. J told me that carpet beaters are wussy. A video taught me Cane-iacs make one out of the stuff my wicked thingy is made out of I would assume that is not wussy. The problem with switches is I know they hurt like fuck. I want like the getting/cutting the switch and only like half the pain. But can one play with a switch? they are kind of unforgiving.

School is almost out. Just two more weeks. No 4.0 this semester. Two of my classes whupped my ass. I do have a 120 in another class haha. If only college had A+. I have been pretty good with keeping up with work. All my final papers are done. just the tests left and 12 hundred things to do not academic.

I am bored. Hence the post. And wide awake.

Ammends

2012-04-25T20:06:00.001-07:00

I make mistakes. I screw things up. I do stupid things. I make decisions I wish I could take back. I get scared. I freak out, stress out. I worry. I have little patience. I am not always confident, Nothing I ever do is good enough. And I beat myself up for all of it.

And then there are days like today, when I am force to remember and acknowledge that I do good things. And honestly it couldn't have come at a better time. Three years ago today, my best friend and the person who was really my mother, died. Today I realized that I would have made my grandmother proud.

I woke up this morning with an invitation to a dinner next week where I am being honored with a scholarship and award. My adviser explained it goes to a student who has shown consistent academic achievement within the major as well as being a student leader and helping the school community at large. I felt very honored and humbled but still thought "do I really deserve this".

I have self esteem problems. I recently have been struggling with the concept that I am unworthy of love on any level family, friend, partner whatever. But I don't think that's true. i think that is alot of BS that has been fed to me for years. I good friend of mine use to tell me this all the time. Enough soul searching has taught me that its true. I am capable of love, and I am capable of being loved.

For the first time in possibly my entire life I feeling like I am where I need to be. I have along way to go. i have alot to deal with. But I am a good person. I am going to be ok.

My facebook is full of statuses of people who miss my gram today. I don't understand them. I miss her dearly every day so why should I post it on the anniversary of her death. I don't wish to celebrate her death but instead her life.

I reread a letter my grandmother wrote me before she died, that I was given by my aunt who found it among her things. I read it once the day it was given and have simply kept it inside of a book, not really ready for it. Until today. I don't know why today was so different. So many good things happened on a day that everyone else claimed to be having a hard time, you know missing her. I felt compelled to open it, to read. I now feel compelled to share. My gram had no formal education, but today I realized she was wiser than I ever realized.

My dearest ____,

If you are reading this than I am no longer with you in person, but remember that I will always be with you inside your heart. I know, I know. Your gram is cheesy. You are a tough loving young woman. You have lived and survived in an environment where most would have perished. Not only did you survive, you grew and thrived into a remarkable young woman. I know you will do great things in this world. I am so proud of you.

I don't think anyone will ever truly know the horrors you went through. I don't think even I really understand. I wish I would have protected you more. I should have taken you away. And for that I am sorry.

I know that you will continue to not only survive but to thrive. You will continue to make me proud and you will do great things for this world. And in that aspect I have no fear for your future. But darling girl you are so guarded. You have built walls that even I have not been able to breakthrough.I do not blame you, not with everything but I do fear you will never let yourself ever be truly loved. Don't get mad. You have told me yourself you do not deserve love. You have been telling me this since you were eight years old. You talk about your future, your kids, your career but never the thought that you could ever find someone to love.

Beautiful girl. You will find love. Someday you will find peace within. You will start to understand what love truly is. Not the fluffy stuff, the things you find in a hallmark card, but real honest to goodness love. You are not destined to become your father. You are not like him. You can show love, and whether you know it or not you show me love every day.

But those walls can make you seem so cold, though . You expect so much from people. And you have no patience if they do not meet your expectations. We are all human. No one is perfect. So stop trying to be and stop expecting it of others. Admit when you make mistakes. Apologize when you need to. Do not dwell or beat yourself up. Make amends and move on.

Find peace within. Whatever that means to you. Be at peace with yourself and with all that has happened. Talk with someone. Don't roll your eyes. Talking is good. Crying is good. Hugging is good. Touch is good. Love is good. YOU are good. You may not understand anything I am saying, but someday you will.

I love you baby girl. I am sorry I am leaving you in person, but as I said I will always love you, always be proud of you, and always be with you.

Your biggest fan.
Grammie

Today I realized that Until her death, my gram was the one person I know who loved me no matter what. She loved me for who I was, the good, the bad. Since she died I think I have met one other person who my have did and I believe one other person has learned how to do that.

I don't think I have found peace within. Not yet. But I will. I am beginning to understand what love is. Today I understand it as missing someone no matter how long they have been gone be it years or minutes. And if you were able to see them again you could pick up where you left off. I don't know how much sense that makes to anyone reading, but to me that is what I understand love to be.

The letter may seem cliche and its cheesy. But I think I am beginning to understand.

I make mistakes, I screw things up. And I beat myself up. But today I remembered that I do alot of good things as well. I make alot of changes. I help people. I do my best to be kind and understanding. I am a good person. I am going to make amends with those recently and more distantly that I have wronged in someway. Others may say they are honoring my gram via facebook. Tonight I will honor her by letting go of pride and apologizing to those whom I have not been understanding of.

I am posting this here both as a reminder to myself. To anyone who has read this. in the words of my gram. I hope everyone can find peace with in.

Pina Coladas, the Truth Bringer

2012-04-21T19:44:00.001-07:00

A couple of Truths

1. Homemade Pina Coladas are tasty and cheaper than one drink at a bar.
2. They make alot of things seem clearer and things I have been trouble figuring out seem to make sense. Like my guard is done. Like I am finally relaxed.
3. The new meds I am on make me a light weight
4. I am stepping down from the Eboard. I am very tired. Its not healthy
5. I want to be medical social worker. I want to make a difference.
6. The girl I have been semi seeing is relly just a rebound way to make myself feel better and fill a sort of whole. I need to talk with her.
7. I miss you. All I could smell this morning in E's room was you. It was so confusing. Why can't I get over you. I was over a boyfriend who killed himself fr sooner than you. I can't get over you. Why can't I get over you.
8. I need someone who is impartial so I can talk this out. My friends are too opinated.
9. I would kill for a stress releasing spanking.
10. I need to stop seeing my dad. It is not healthy. I just need to become strong enough to stop and stand on my own.
11. As is noted bt previous posted. I did really stupid things today
12. I am going to go drink more with my friends

Just babbling

2012-04-09T16:18:00.000-07:00

Happy Belated Easter/Passover or anything else you may celebrate!

I have never wished I was a top and could just randomly put my friends over my knee as much as i did last weekend. We were at a conference in D.C. and several of those who we brought I wanted nothing more then to paddle their asses to the point they would not be sitting for weeks. Of course I couldn't. Such immurtity though.

I was having some horrid headaches recently after having given myself a concussion. I opted to call my neurosurgeon in case it was related to the concussion or if it was brain surgery related as well... you know just to be the safe side. Had an MRI on Friday. Went this morning to see him. I have a spot on my brain that he believes is a mild bleed which as long as I m careful and do all that the doctor orders it should go away and heal. This time I am actually going to try to do as the doctor orders. I feel like a dumbass though because it was really stupid how I gave myself a concussion in the first place. I am suppose to be relaxed and not get angry, we will see how this goes.

I know awhile ago I wrote on here about the wonderfulness that was the fanfiction called Master of the Universe and there were many a reference to fifty shades of fucked up. It was technically a fan fic that was twilight meets BDSM. Except for the names though it had nothing to do with twilight. No sparkly vampires and a far better writer. Well she recently released them in books. charge the name. Its called "Fifty Shades of..." Grey, Darker, Freed. as there are three of them. I recently purchased them for my IPAD and was reading the first one and part of the second one. If you take out the part where the male lead, christian, is a billionaire, there are parallels to my real life with J (past tense). Except in the books after she breaks up with him because they can't be what the other wants or needs they eventually end up married with kids. Anyway I am really just encouraging people to read them. There isn't really any DD but there is really good BDSM scenes and a "red room of pain....pleasure....pain...". I totally want a red room of pain/pleasure in my house haha.

I bought a book while in DC called I <3 female orgasms. It is very fascinating and my friends and I have learned alot. There was even a chapter devoted to BDSM which I thought was surprising as it was a feminist book and its a heated topic of debate for feminists

DUUUUDDDDEEE!!! I totally want/need a spanking. Don't know about you lovely ladies (or gentlemen but I generally talk to female bottoms) I am not suppose to be stressed. A stress relief spanking could be good think :-p

I hope all is well!

To someone special

2012-03-28T17:52:00.001-07:00

Why do you look at my blog? I don't understand Why it bothers me I am not sure, maybe cuz I am just not over you. but Why do you still look?

The New Bad Habit

2012-03-23T20:41:00.000-07:00

I had a date last night and it was late by the time I drove from my dorm several hours south to my hometown for my Brother's surprise party. And I realized I had developed a bad habit.

See I got an IPAD recently and my car only has a radio no disc or tape player. So I make use of my IPADs speakers to listen to music in the car. I have like 3200 songs on it, and I don't listen to at least 1500 of them on a regular basis. Which means I was using my IPAD to change the songs while driving because it was late it had to be bouncy music to keep me awake.. Because of settings I realized this is way worse then texting and driving. I wonder how many people do this as well and if anyone has gotten spanked for it. I should probably limit how much i do this though.

2012-03-15T08:01:00.000-07:00

Apperently I have an active imagination, a guilty conscious, and a sense of having to multitask more.

Why? Because I have started doing things while sleeping. One such thing is sleep IMming/emailing/messaging people. I have apparently predicted several of my friends deaths. This would be where the active imagination comes in considering they all die in a world wide forest fire while held in a robbery at a cumbies by gun point. I have also professed my undying love for one person to plenty of others. I have slept walked my way to the car. I have made a list of possible grad schools (least that one is productive) and have blogged (on my other blog). The guilty conscious would be a blog post of all i have ever done wrong ever, that i didn't not post, and quite the email to the person for whom I was professing my undying love for. I am one weird chicky. I use to do it when I was younger, my housemate who is into bondage suggested tying me to my bed.... :-/

Story number two. Recently due to some intense boredom (which i am loving don't get me wrong) I reopened a Spankfinder account. This was where i met J. I have no interest in actually meeting anyone but there is nothing wrong with making friends. So I start talking to this very nice guy my age. And he asks me if i had an account on SF before. Which I have. He was like, I knew you were familiar, we were going to meet, and then you dissappeared and ignored me etc etc. Well I felt like a total and complete ass. I had forgotten that. After my freshman year, I had assumed J wouldn't want to continue as his daughter was coming home and it would be difficult (it was, trust me, it was) but when it turned out i had assumed wrong, I didn't really know how to let the guy down as I had never told him about J in the first place. He was very quick in that after a day of talking he wanted to meet and it did freak me out. But I am also an ass. He thinks i should be spanked for it, And I can't exactly disagree but i don't really want to meet anyone.

Off to the doctors to find out what my MRI showed! Wishing you all the best

That Akward moment

2012-03-06T18:48:00.001-08:00

That awkward moment when you are in class and you have a mini heart attack as you realize there is no way you are getting out of this whuppin.... The you realize you don't do that anymore. And for mybottom's sake I am glad as I would surely have my sit-upon abilities revoked .

See I have this class called weather and climate and I hate me some weather and climate. My teacher is insane and his work is stupid. There's are two ways you earn grades in the class 5 tests and a log book that is collected four times.

Well the log book is stupid but for the first check I kept it up to date and pulled off a bplus. But as my motivation in most classes reached a low like most of my friends so did the amount I wrote in my log book. We have to have at least four entries a week plus assorted special entries. Each entry must be 125 words weather related and not just today's weather observations. As he announced today he was collecting them I had that small above mentioned heart attack. Of the 30 entries we were suppose to have I have 5 and a half. Clearly i won't be passing. I realized that although I can get out of most grade related spankings I figured this one was hard as I just didn't do it. Again my sitting ability is glad I won't be but the part of me that feels bad about it a bit less so.

Though my sitting is impaired as I type but it's from something not as fun as a spanking. I was reading an article for class while laying on the edge of my bed which is about for feet off the ground. I fell off my bed onto the drawers under my bed and then the floor. Iz a lil bruised.

Off to study. To more days of classes thena glorious spring break spent in a nice quiet dorm

PS I wrote this on my IPAD sorry for an autocorrect fails

2012-03-03T14:55:00.001-08:00

I have no idea why I am on this or felt the need to unmake it private. I am not practicing dd any more and I haven't spoken with j in a while. I told him I only wanted to be friends. Maybe not talking at all is better? Maybe I Made a mistake? I really don't know. I know I miss him, but that would be obvious as I was and still am in love with him. I dreamt all last night about him and today for the first time I feel like I made a huge mistake..... But is it a mistake to stop something that hurt?

One of my friends lives near him and keeps offering a go give him hell trip but I don't see how that Would be fair... Wasn't it me who ended? At the same time they are trying to get me to confront him (I guess their problem is he hasn't said anything, but come on I was kind of a dick.) they are also trying to set me up with some that I mentioned was super pretty. I still have the silly little pathetic hope that it will be better. I. Certainly haven't moved on enough. Maybe your are thinking why not apologize. Well although I do feel a bit like a dick, I wasn't really happy. I am in my early twenties with security issues. I need touch and closeness and reassurance. And I wasnt getting that even once every qmonth. Sure it's selfish but its what u need to be happy and I can't imagine the other being happy when one is resentful.

I also did it to protect him, in my head anyway. If you read my blog a ways back you will know that depression and PTSD like to invade on occasion. I have been 9th grade bad lately (i tried killing myself several times and got to stay in a metal hopsital). Except I am a prouder person and stubborner. I don't want to disappoint anyone. Him especially. I have been self harming again relatively frequently, it's... Well easier. I don't have time to deal with my feelings sometimes. I am trying the whole butterfly's project thing thouh. I am having a hard time, thinking people would be better off without me. I am not to the point of giving into the thoughts but into fighting them. I see it as he will be better off without me no matter what and if I give in someday it will be one less person to hurt.

I just wish that he hadn't torn down my emotional walls, because everything hurts more and longer. I lost my unofficial second gram mother two days before I broke up with j. And I am still not over either. And it was at that time I realized I am so far from over the Child abuse thing, its redicoulus I miss when I could shove things in a box and hide from them. I am working on rebuilding those walls it's just how I operate best.

I do believe I have figured out what I am going to do with the rest of my life. I want to be a sex educator and sex therapist. I am not over the child abuse from my past and I am too afraid to face my demons and I struggle with self harm every daY. Though I found the butterfly project and it's helping. I feel strongly in comprehensive sex Ed programs and as a sex therapist I would be able to work with couples as well as though who struggle with sexual assault, And sexual identity. But who knows I change my mind often enough and all.

I don't really intend on being on here much. I don't really have anything to say in regards to DD other then all of a sudden it started sacring the crap out of me. I am starting another blog not one related to this though.... http://liodhtlas.blogspot.com/

the best to everyone

2011-11-27T13:28:00.000-08:00

I'm angry. I am not even sure why I am writing on here. I ended up on the site that tells me who visited. Saw J visited and the anger was fueled.

I can't even explain why I am so angry. I do know it isn't just because of this weekend. Its everything built up. Alot of stupid things I shoved aside that mixed with big things have me so angry. I have tried offline messages, conversation, and emails. So why not try my blog. I would have gone to calling next but I feel like I can't plus I can't call out on my dorm phone.

I feel on an emotional level I am dating a wall. I sent a very long email that laid everything on the line. And got a very small response that didn't even touch on what I was saying. It didn't need to be long, but I guess I needed more then I care for you. It sucks because if he was this angry he could take it out on my butt and all would be good. But I don't have that. And dating someone with the emotional capacity of a teaspoon (thank you JK Rowling) is so frustrating. I mean, he could have so much more emotion wise but has never let me see it.

But I am NOT settling, not this time. I am not letting this go. I am not pulling a usual where I just let it go and shove it back inside where it festers and bubbles until I explode all over again and I say the same old shit over and over. Its not happening. Relationships should never remain stagnant. I need change, he is going to tell someone. He is going to meet my family, and I am going to meet his. And I want it by the New Year. Or at least for it to start. We have known each other for three years. We "officially" started dating August 30th. Its not like its been two weeks. If he is not willing then clearly we aren't on the same page and this is not going to work. In my letter I told him I would marry him today if he asked because I love him that much, I don't think meeting both families is that far of a stretch. Especially considering he has never told me why he won't.

I wish he would talk with me. A real conversation, spoken out loud would be best, but I will settle for any conversation now.

To J....Please. PLEASE. and if you aren't willing to give me what I want and need, then tell me, so I can stop hurting. But if you can and want to then that too will stop the hurt And in turn, I will be able to stop any hurt you feel.

2011-11-25T19:08:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, I had a friend who thought she was helping. See that friend is my best friend and my confidant. I knew that if I didn't share with her that I had started self harming again, she would be overwhelmingly pissed at me. Well it seems she decided I wouldn't be ok. She thought about emailing J but felt she couldn't because she had never met him (not that I needed any help or that he could. ) So she emailed the person closest to me in actually distance. Who I had been avoiding more or less after she had kissed me to avoid incident.. I had thought about going and visiting her, but it would have been different. She comes over things befin to happen, or start to anyway. Its not my friends fault but this would be why I don't tell people everything. I would have been fine. Silliness. and not the good kind.

I think I am going to right a Top Things I Remember about assorted spankings post next. I a little reminder to behave sounds like a good idea.

2011-11-23T18:19:00.000-08:00

I gave in, or screwed up, or what ever you want to call it. It's just I want to sleep soooo badly. Like a deep, dreamless uninterrupted sleep. I don't want to wake up screaming, or crying. I don't want to be afraid of closing my eyes. I am not completely positive what set off the nightmares again, though I have ideas, but I don't want to go back to not sleep for days or weeks at a time. My head was burning and my thoughts all consuming. J won't understand, will be mad, dissapointed, but if I can just sleep tonight it will be worth it. I have tried benadryl, nyquil. All that happens is I end up stuck in the dreams. I don't wake up rested. I am just so tired. Hopefully it works. Though now I am afraid I won't be able to stop again or want to. It felt good. It had been so long. I just want to sleep.

That Girl

2011-11-22T15:47:00.000-08:00

OK, So Seriously. When did I become "That Girl"

What? You don't know "that Girl?" You know the girl who daydreams constantly about that guy (not the tool "that guy", her guy). Even when its silly and unrealistic, she hopes her phone beeps with texts from him. He's all she wants to talk and think about, which helps when her friends have their own guy. She legit cries when she misses him, hurts when she goes a day without talking to him, and smiles ridiculously when he crosses her mind. The thought of maybe getting to see him makes her gitty, and the thought of not seeing him for months, makes her upset enough to feel sick. When she doesn't feel well, she would give anything to just hug him. She swoons when he uses petnames. Still feels him kissing her, weeks letter. Lets it go when he doesn't say her name right even though its her biggest petpeeve. She dreams about him meeting her mom and her other relatives. She doesn't care if others don't except it, because she loves him, and he her (she thinks) and thats what counts. She thinks about annoucing it on facebook and by the same token facebooking his daughter, just so that there are no more secrets. So she can announce her love for him to the world. She has more songs that make her think of him, and that she wishes she had the nerve to sing to him. She is a bit obsessed but loves it.

I realized I had became "that girl" today. I guess I just miss him really bad today. It started with a migraine. I felt needy. I would have killed for him to hug me and snuggle me. To instead of taking a nap in my dorm to be curled in his arms. Then I went and dropped off a friend at the train station, and the reality that I was actually spending the weekend alone hit me. I mean I don't want to go home, and I am proud of myself for not caving to my parents, but I think the mix of tired, needy feeling, and missing him just made the thought a little bit more unbearable then I am use to. I mean, I spent my fair share of holidays locked in a cellar. I don't even like holidays (except giving presents for christmas) I am cynical and a bit humbugish. I wanted to cry, more from missing him then the rest (IDK maybe its PMS). So I started daydreaming about my big family party and dragging him along. Its not on christmas itself, and I haven't gone for a few years because of finals. I should be able to this year. I love the thought of being there introducing my boyfriend, and telling my family to suck it if they don't like it (most would just be happy for me, but maybe one or two.) Again I wanted to cry. When i got home and signed online he called me cutie, and I swooned and perked up. We talked, then he had a meeting. I yet again, however irrationally, began to miss him enough it hurts.

Thats how I realized I have become "That Girl"

<3

2011-11-20T18:05:00.001-08:00

Luckiest Girl

2011-11-16T08:51:00.000-08:00

I am truly the luckiest Girl in the Whole Wide World!! Why? Because I have the best guy in the whole wide world. I don't much care if others disagree or think there is something wrong. It doesn't matter because he makes me happier then anyone, I trust him more then anyone else, and he knows me as well if not better then my best friend. (That particular friend and I don't need words, just a hand gesture to communicate so that's alot to have to live up to)

I spent all of last weekend (Friday afternoon to Monday afternoon with him). It was wonderful and nice for so many reasons. One was simply there was no drama. No drama is sooooo nice. But the main reasons all had to do with just getting to spend the weekend with the guy I am head over heals in love with (You know how there are several steps of love? Like Love Ya for friend. Love you for family and I love You for the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Yeah I am totally at the I Love You stage).

On Saturday he gave me a mostly playful spanking for wearing boy shorts. I think it was more I like to be spanked, and he likes to spank me sort of spanking as opposed to him actually being angry. It hurt just enough and was a good hurt. Though my stubbornness meant I had to fight and put my hands back a little bit. When he threatened to use the stupid holed paddle my whining and concern was genuine however.

The second spanking I got was after the race on Sunday. See Saturday night we were laying in bed and I asked him if I could have a stress relief make me cry spanking. I felt very little and silly and nervous. I was honestly afraid he would laugh or say no. It took alot for me to ask. He said yes of course and asked what I wanted. I gave alot of what I don't want. The holed paddle, the hole strap, not an institutional type spanking. I needed him to touch me. As the laps counted down on the race on sunday I got butterflies and then was hopeful as he waited a bit after. Then he kissed me and went all stern "The race is over young lady, We have some businnes to take care of don't we"

He looked so angry. I couldn't even get my mouth to work and just nodded. He told me my mouth worked and I had to answer. We went to the bedroom where he fixed pillows and told me to take off the clothes minus underwear and bra. I went to argue about the shirt but he reminded me that any disobedience at all and I would get the wooden paddle. He just looked so angry at me, and I felt so bad that I vowed to be as obedient as possible. It was hard however. It hurt! Really bad and was really fast. I knew it would stop when I cried but I just wasn't in the right mind set, not really anyway (maybe there is something to be said about corner time)

I wiggled and moved a good deal. But got back over when he said to and he was nice enough to not take the wooden paddle to my poor bottom. Between the lexan and the strap I was able to cry. Not just cry but bawl. Like difficult to breathe possibly throw up sort of bawling. We cuddled for a while afterward. I learned he wasn't angry but serious and stern. After I put clothes on he was sitting on his computer and I wasn't quite ready to sit. I almost started crying again. I wanted to talk about several things and although he asked what was wrong he didn't push hard enough to get me to. I was feeling more vulnerable then I thought possible and he simply didn't cuddle me long enough I guess not that i told him this. I ended up getting really mad at him. Responded with one word answers to what he said. I have no idea if he realized I was mad, but I was. I can't say it was logical I was mad because I needed to be cuddled and he wasn't or that I wanted him to push me to talk and he didn't but it was the way it was. As I felt less vulernable I got over my angriness.

We spent a large part of the weekend cuddling and snuggling and talking. I am not able to lay and talk for hours at a time with anyone else because I generally feel this need to go go go. But i was content to do nothing. We did have one other TTWD encounter. Not really spanking related however.

We experimented with clothespins. They hurt but he could totally squeeze way harder. I had woken up that morning feeling super bratty and disobedient. I was purposely pushing him and pushing him. I took the clothespins off myself, said no when he told me to lay down. Refused to pull my nightgown down etc etc. He would threaten the paddle but never made me go get it. I think I may have wanted it actually.

So something he did that the thought of totally turns me on. It was during the brattiness. I had maneuvered my way off the bed, but was between the wall and the bed. he told me to pull my nightgown done and put my hands up and was going to use the little plastic flogger on my breasts. Well I loved the thought of that but couldn't get myself to. Which now means I have a whole new fantasy. I just like the idea of being completely dominated in a more BDSM way then we do. We practice DD more then anything, but for projects and stuff I have done alot of research into BDSM. I don't want him to like expect me to call him master, or beat me or anything overly hard core, But i have two thoughts. I really want to be tied to the bed and him to "have his way" with me. I feel obligated to fight him, even if I may not want to but its like that's suppose to be a bad place you are suppose to fight. If I was tied down I wouldn't be able to. I also really like the idea of him telling me to put my hands on my head and to use clamps and the floggers and stuff.

So I am the luckiest girl in the world. and I am close to being the happiest. I am hoping (Really really REALLY) hard that in the next day or two he will tell his daughter. I can meet her, and then see him more! I don't mind driving up there and this was the best weekend. Hell I cried when I left, I don't do that! Just with him I guess. Plus I would also like to meet his friends and family. And although I doubt he would I think it would be cool if they could come over Christmas evening for my families Christmas party considering mom wants them too.

You know the concert I wanted to go to? Well the tickets aren't that badly priced. So so far its me and my best friend going, plus her boy. I am hoping also very hard that my man will be able to come as well. We are hoping to get tickets Friday. It would be perfect!

Moral of my story I am one happy, loved, and lucky girl that can only get happier and luckier! Though i miss him terribly already.

HW Break

2011-11-08T20:20:00.000-08:00

Taking a homework break. I legitimately have written 9 papers in two days. I have four more due before my last class is over on Thursday. This was with doing homework this weekend. No why I am most glad for friday off? Because my teachers can not assign me any more homework.

If I ever get it in my stubborn head that I can handle all this (7 classes, president of a club, throwing a festival, 3 jobs, reforming another club, a committee to end sex assualt on campus, Peer Advising, and at least two more thing my brain can't remember right now) I hope J spankings the living daylights out of me and sense into me. Stubbornness also needs to be spanked out. I am exhausted, a bit cranky, and stressed to the explosion point. I am just hoping the explosion does not happen this weekend. Although I should only have minimal work, my house is once again being invaded by everyone's male counterpart. Its not that I don't like them, its just, well it gets old ALWAYS having a busy house and feeling like you are intruding in the living room and your own bedroom because there are just too many people.

Off to at least start my lab report. It is due by 11 59 pm tomorrow, so at least I won't have to finish it if I can't, I register for classes tomorrow!

Confused and Conflicted.

2011-11-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

I am confused and conflicted. I may be guilty, but then again maybe not. I would write about it, but won't tonight for several reasons. So i stick with I am confused and conflicted with a posiblilty of guilty.

I am exhausted however and am going to bed.

Weekend!

2011-11-04T10:58:00.000-07:00

Happy Weekend Everyone!

I hope everyone gets to have a nice relaxing weekend. Knowing me, although i am excited for a relaxing weekend by 7 tonight I am totally going to bored haha. Bored is totally better then stressed however so it alllllll good.

Ok so besides saying Happy Weekend, I was pursuing blogs and I concluded I have this odd... fascination with ping pong paddles. You know the little red or green paddles. I am not really saying that I want a spanking with one, just that they have some weird draw or fascination with them. Um, i expected this paragraph to be longer but i ran out of stuff to say.

Yeah, well this post was lame, haha.

Concert

2011-11-02T16:16:00.000-07:00

I want tickets to this sooo badly.

http://www.dariusrucker.com/story/news/darius-to-join-lady-antebellum-on-2nd-leg-of-iown-the-nighti-2012-world-tour

Lady A, Darius Rucker and Thompson Square. Ummmmm How AMAZING would this be. I would do anything to get tickets to this. This is what is truly unfortunate about being a poor college kid. The tour is even coming to just a few towns over from my home town. I am sure the tickets are outrageous but I will be buying them if at all possible, they aren't on sale yet where I would be going, so not sure just how much. It would be so amazing. They are in my top seven favorite bands/singer with sugarland, nickleback, and two other that I can't think of at this particular minute.

Here is my favorite song from each them.... oddly for the same reason haha. Enjoy!

Thompson Square; Are you gonna kiss me or not?

Lady A Just a kiss (this was hard I run to you is up there and American Honey)

Darius Rucker History in the making (Because my other two favorites aren't as positive)

Update? Why not.

2011-11-02T05:11:00.000-07:00

It has been a week since I posted, so I figured I should write something.

Its alot of the same. I miss J like crazy and would kill to be in his arms. Well not kill but I want it really bad. I am doing way to much this semster course wise (and doing more next semster) and the result is I have a cold. I went to bed at 10 last night. Thats how you know a college kid is sick. They are in bed before 12.

I was a complete dumbass in one of my classes monday. I handed in a wicked kick ass paper analying Anti-Rape collective Action frames and complete forgot to include my sources. I am hoping she doesn't dock too many points. Thats what I get for printing it an hour before class I guess.

Back to the topic that is my man, hopefully I will get to see him this month. He seems to think I will be getting a cry provoking paddling with his lexans "baby brudder" just because. I guess I should be happy its just not the big one, but I am still a bit afraid. Not of J, just that I know its going to hurt like hell, and mainly that it takes alot to cry when I am punished. I have to feel really guilty about it or upset I disappointed him. Well I don't think I have disappointed him this time around considering the spanking i because I am stressed I don't see it just happening which means it will be long and hurt. At least there will be cuddles afterwards. I still intend on fighting the spanking however and just go right to the cuddles.

Three more random thoughts. 1. Halloween party was wicked fun . 2. Despite wanting to really badly I have yet to cut. Hoping now that the article I was writing is over the feelings will subside. 3. Despicable Me is an awesome movie, coming in 2nd for my favorite movies right behind Letters to Juliette. (Just watched in Sunday and I so want to see it again)

apologies

2011-10-27T19:33:00.000-07:00

Evening... or really night!

I wanted to apologize to those who read my blog that posts recently have been superbly whining. I don't have one of my meds that help me stabilize my hormones because my insurance doesn't cover it in an affordable way. Yes alot of this stuff I may struggle with, but I like to think I am pretty good of keeping it all to myself and inside, and not needing to whine. Well I won't be getting a new script for a med till December. If nothing I will figure out how to deal one of these days. Though this is one of my ways to deal, writing.

With that being sad I am about to whine a bit more. I got the rest of my costume in the mail. I tried it on, enter low self esteem, I think I look horrible, far from hot, and am trying to figure out a really good way of not having to dress up. So far I am drawing blanks considering this was all my stupid idea. smh. Either way, there will be NO pictures.

I have conquered most of the pile that was my home work.

I am currently obbessed with this song. I LOVE nickleback. ALOT. This song is AMAZING. I also love word music video's

Favorite part is the second verse that says "How can we fall asleep at night/when something's clearly wrong." The pictures with it give me chills. So powerful.

Homework break

2011-10-26T15:11:00.000-07:00

Taking a break from homework. My brain feels a bit on the mushy side. I have so many papers and exams. Exams will be more or less over tomorrow and my papers (6 of them) are due monday. The goal is to get most of them down by Friday night. I would prefer not to be spending Saturday doing the homework as well as getting ready for our party. But at least its not until 8ish.

I must admit, I have honestly begun to be mildly less excited about the halloween party. I love my friends dearly but they lose at the "let it go thing." J can't come because he has other things. Which I understand, not to say I am not disappointed. Well my friends are also disappointed and keep giving me "ideas" in how to get them to come. Apperently "he's busy" isn't good enough. They just pointed out that its more or less "my party." That everyone's guy is coming because I wanted to have a Halloween party because I never been to one, and the one guy who can't come is mine. I just wish they would drop it. Trust me I get it, it sucks. But I would really appreciate if they would just drop it! I am still determined to have fun, and I am still going to look hot. I may be a bit jealous but it would be great if they would just let it go! Argh! I love them, but they are so.... pushy!! Ok. Whining over. I am just happy that within the next month I will be seeing my fabulous guy. I am really excited for the party. Though we haven't figured out just how we are playing music. I am just happy for a night with friends, and nothing to worry about haha. Now that I have whined and don't want to freak on the friends, gonna grab a snack and go back to my home work!

Peace

Talking, Halloween, and Spankings

2011-10-23T07:51:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone!

I am doing much better now. I am still struggling hard core with wanting to self harm, but alot of the other feelings have gone away. Between talking with my best friend and talking with J, I have decided that I thinking writing about my past experiences and as J puts it, "Demons," just isn't going to cut it. I am able to still pretend it didn't happen and its just a story when I write. By speaking outloud it becomes truth. I am kind of hoping that with J's help I can speak at least part of it outloud. I told my best friend about something, said it out loud, and it was the strangest feeling. Like I was happy too and oddly at peace with it. Problem is she cried after, and that wasn't really helping.

J and I don't get to talk all that much lately but I feel like all is good now after yesterdays discussion. We are both uberly busy. I take 19 credits of classes, hold two jobs, am president of one club and getting another up and running and the list continues. Plus I have more homework then I have ever had and its kicking my butt. He has equally as much stuff to do. But we did get to talk, at least till he got a fire call anyway.

He was full of compliments which i needed and he realized but I do believe they were sincere. (I have concluded I LOVE when he calls me "my girl" Example "How is my girl today." Plus I love all forms of endearment so its all good).

My house is having a Halloween party on Saturday (i have never been to a halloween party, go figure). I was really hoping he would be able to come so he could meet my friends, I could show him off, and the hot part of my queen of hearts outfit wouldn't go to waste but he can not. Which I understand but its still super disappointing. I made a super simple costume for him in case he was able to come like a week ago, when I was finishing mine. I was going to get a friend to fill in, but I don't really want to anymore. I don't overly want a fill in date because no one is going to come even close to making me as happy or is as amazing so Instead I will just send him some pics later, and have fun with my friends. I am stilling going to look pretty hot.

So the new friend I referenced in the last post. She wants to top me SO bad. To be honest I had been thinking about letting her before talking to J last night. I am not a horribly confident individual and had manueverd to convince myself (with the strong help of my friends mind) that J wasn't into me the way I am into him. That he doesn't care about me and doesn't take me seriously. That if I let her, I would, um, I believe they put it as "give him the strong kick in his irritating ass he needs, and help him realize others want you." After talking with him, I realized that A) thats really not true! and B) that is sooo not what I want to do, nor does it meld with my beliefs. I would never intentionally hurt him, and doing that would definelty be intentionally hurting him. He did inform me she wasn't allowed to a while back and I was His! (which I like him telling me I am his. here's a post with a story from a while back with that theme.)

The good news is that he said his daughter is taking a mini vacation to visit friends, which he said I should be able to have a weekend getaway with him. With all forms of fun ;-) . My darling friends who are just oh so positive told me that with my luck she would go away when i have to go home for my mom's surgery on the 17th. They also told me that he should have told his daughter but not quite as nicely (see previous post about things men should know. A girls friends can be viscous if they think she is being hurt!!).

I did sort of ask for a "lexan scary spanking." Which is a spanking that brings tears. I did ask him to use his lexan paddles baby brudder and to not let go of me. You know I don't want a spanking where I bend over and he stands back and paddles, he called it an "institutional" punishment spanking. I want to like be laying on the bed and he sit next to me, with his hand on my back, or maybe go over his lap. Still completely unsure about that particular postition. I want the safety and security and don't want to feel alone. He called this version and "intimate" type spanking. I also hope he realizes that I may ask for it now, but when I go to see him, i am going to beg him not to. I mean, its like this. I KNOW i need and want one. But i am also scared of the pain, and still of crying in front of him.

Well I am off to do some homework.